Happiness: How to Be Happy, Pt 5 of 5

Anything But Mid is hosted by Amy Edwards and Whitney Stropp. Neither host is a doctor and nothing here is medical advice. Lightly cleaned for readability.

Whitney: I'm Whitney.

Amy: And I'm Amy, and this is midlife, which are anything but mid, as you are.

Mid moments, I have one.

Whitney: Okay, what?

Amy: I have one.

Whitney: Oh, no.

Amy: As I watch our videos back,

Whitney: Oh, no.

Amy: I have a fucking turkey neck, and I don't know if it's this angle, I don't know what it is, in all our videos I have this, and I mean I...

Whitney: I have a little double double chin.

Amy: Do we need to raise our camera angle, like what is the deal?

Whitney: It is low. It is a little low.

Amy: It is a little low. Okay, I'll make it higher, but I don't know. I literally was like to I want to tape this back, like, and then I thought, should I get a thread like she has? Like what's going on here? What's going on?

Whitney: It probably would help us.

Amy: Do it right now.

Oh, yeah.

Whitney: But you don't have a double chin.

Amy: Look, do I have a turkey neck?

Whitney: No. That's what I was about to say. That's what I was about to say, you're looking at you, and I'm looking at me.

Amy: You're supposed to say, "No, you don't have a turkey neck."

Whitney: And then the people that are watching aren't noticing either one of us.

Amy: Really?

Whitney: I don't think so.

Amy: Okay, good.

Whitney: We are we are our own worst enemies, but yeah, I'm not noticing your stuff, I'm looking at my stuff.

Amy: I think you always look really cute.

Whitney: Oh, well thank you. I think you look cute.

Amy: You don't have a turkey neck, so I'm just like, lucky you.

Whitney: Well, I don't see it, so I don't know, but I I have those moments all the time where I'm looking at myself and I'm just like, just yesterday, cuz I got back from this, I went on a river cruise in France,

Amy: Well, watch the videos.

Oh yeah. That's so cool.

Whitney: and it was super fun.

Amy: The Seine or...

Whitney: The Rhone.

Amy: The Rhone? I thought that was in Germany or something.

Whitney: It might be as well. Cool. I don't know geography.

Amy: I don't, either.

Whitney: But I was in France and I was on the Rhone.

Amy: Shit, I thought Peru, I'm going to Peru, I thought it was on the clear other side of South America.

Whitney: Oh yeah, see, I thought it was close to Spain.

Amy: I thought Lima was on the Atlantic. You thought it was close to Spain? I think I'm getting it confused with Portugal. It is in South America, not Europe. Well...

Whitney: Okay. Yes, you are. I never claim to be great at geography.

Amy: Isn't there Is there something in Portugal? Lisbon.

Whitney: Oh, Lisbon. Yeah, Lima is Peru, Lisbon. See, it could happen.

Amy: It could happen. Anyway, you were saying something.

Whitney: And I forgot, so there's my mid moment.

Amy: I'm sorry.

Whitney: No, no, I do that to you all the time. Oh, I was just going to say, looking at my face, the river cruise room had It was covered in mirrors, because they're really small. And so they're trying to make it look bigger, but you cannot escape every angle of yourself.

Amy: You better get that lighting dialed in.

Whitney: And they're, you know, the lighting. That I do think you do a great job with our lighting.

Amy: You know what I'm saying?

Thanks, well, it's been a work in progress and I've got some new lights behind us. They're a little brighter, and so...

Whitney: Yeah, I think you're killing it on the lighting. We just maybe need to raise the camera. Our little buddy. But I'm I'm constantly We are our own worst enemies.

Amy: Maybe.

I know.

Yes, we are.

Whitney: So you have to be really careful.

Amy: That's right. That's right.

Whitney: Right, you do, not to go down that path.

Amy: I know, but man, I've been obsessing over my neck a little bit, so I'm trying to stop.

Whitney: I've been thinking about a facelift again.

Amy: Fuck me, me too. Fuck.

Whitney: At least you've already gotten your consultation. But then I'm like, "God, why? Why do I have to buy into that?" And then I'm like, "I'm going to buy into it."

Amy: Well, this flows right into a study that I read that I wanted to share with you.

Whitney: Oh, okay.

Amy: So, it was from BBC Science Focus Magazine, and it was eight bad habits shortening your life.

Whitney: Ooh.

Amy: And I thought, oh, this has got to be like...

Whitney: I already know what number one is.

Amy: What?

Whitney: Drinking.

Amy: Drinking was not even on the fucking list. I thought it was going to be stuff like that.

Whitney: Yeah, what was it?

Amy: It's not, the first four all went with stuff you're talking about.

Whitney: Oh, really?

Amy: However, one of those is kind of what we were just talking about.

Whitney: Negative self-talk.

Amy: Ignoring strangers and not interacting with the world around you. Big one. I thought that was fascinating. Being stuck in a toxic relationship, so basically being unhappy with your relationship.

Whitney: Mhm. Mhm.

Uh-huh, yeah.

And and in a fight or flight state constantly.

Amy: Yeah. Feeling old, which is a mindset shift, right? So, here we are talking about this, this that's what reminded me, right? We're feeling old. I and I'm always talking about this on social media, not feeling old, everything's relative. But still,

Whitney: Yeah, it's still, it's very difficult to to stop comparing your younger self to who you are now. It's very I'm still straddling the line, and I think, you know, I've heard like, you hit 60 or whatever, and you just kind of let go, and you're just like, "I don't need to to chase that anymore," but I'm still kind of chasing it.

Amy: Yes.

Mhm.

Yeah. Yeah.

Whitney: It's exhausting.

Amy: Yeah, it is. It is. I tried to write these down to share with you, but the next one I just wrote stay. Oh, no, staying in. Staying in your house, not getting out. That's right. I was like staying in what?

Whitney: It is upsetting. Yeah.

Oh right, staying in.

Amy: Staying in your house

Whitney: Yes, yeah.

Amy: and not getting out, which is a lot of what you've been talking about on these.

Whitney: Yes, and it gets easier to do that now that you have your phone. I'll be quite honest with you, this morning I was up at 7:30 and I first I tried to have my quiet time, but then I got on my phone and I started playing games. I play like Crossplay and Wordle and all that.

Amy: Mhm.

Oh yeah.

Whitney: Two hours later...

Amy: Fuck, are you serious?

Whitney: I'm still on there.

Amy: You played that for 2 hours and didn't realize?

Whitney: Well, because Crossplay is like you play It's like Scrabble. It's kind of like Words with Friends, and you can play it with your friends or you can play with the computer.

Amy: What is Crossplay?

Well, I want to play.

Whitney: It is a timesuck, because when you play with the computer, the computer gives you a the next word right away, so you can be constantly playing,

Amy: Right, yeah.

Yes.

Whitney: whereas if it's with another person, they might not get back to you right away. 2 hours.

Amy: I play on flights, I play Scrabble, and I play against the computer, so it's just really fast.

Whitney: I'll I'll invite you to Crossplay.

Amy: Oh, I want to play! But damn, 2 hours, right? And so that's staying in, right? That's like...

Whitney: Oh Lord.

It's it's a timesuck, yeah, and you think you're connected, but really you're very disconnected.

Amy: Mhm.

Whitney: All right, keep going.

Amy: Well, anyway, those first those were the first four, and I was like, "Whoa." But I knew you were going to ask about the other ones. The other ones were not flossing, apparently that's a big one.

Whitney: I Well, oral hygiene.

Amy: You don't floss?

Whitney: I get into phases of flossing.

Amy: Oh, I floss religiously.

Whitney: I know, you're a big flosser, you told me.

Amy: I In fact, I told Gigi, my 17- My floss flex.

Whitney: You floss.

Amy: I know, I am a big flosser. I saw this commercial when I was like 12 years old, it was running in the afternoon cartoons, and reruns and stuff, and it was this older lady, maybe you remember it, she's like, "I started flossing when I was 17," and I was like, mental note, I'll start flossing when I'm 17, so I did.

Whitney: Yeah.

Oh, that's funny. I I did not see that commercial, and I did not start flossing at 17.

Amy: And I will floss drunk,

Whitney: Yeah. I I don't like the way it feels, I don't like trying to get my big fat hands in my tiny mouth, and in the back,

Amy: What are you talking about?

Whitney: like I can't reach it, and then I was doing those little ones, but then when I did my episode on oral hygiene, you're not supposed to use the same piece of floss.

Amy: No, you use the same one, it's gross.

Whitney: And so I just It's just a lot, and then I thought, "Oh, I'm going to I'll I'll water floss."

Amy: It's gross.

Whitney: And then I gave up on that because I never cleaned my water flosser and then I was like, "I'm sure it's gross in there."

Amy: Oh, wow.

Whitney: I know, I need to do better. I I truly believe that floss...

Amy: Well, it could be shortening your life.

Whitney: I'm sure I am. I've already...

Amy: I mean, you're all about longevity, fucking floss.

Whitney: I have big hands and a tiny mouth.

Amy: You don't. Let me see your hand right now.

Oh my God, your hand is so much smaller than mine.

Whitney: What are you talking about? They're equal.

Amy: I don't know, well, I can fit mine in my mouth, you can do it.

Whitney: I just It's just...

Amy: You can do it. It's muscles.

Whitney: I know, I'll do better starting today.

Amy: I didn't like this one, snacking. Snacking can be shortening your life?

Whitney: Oh, you know why? Cuz of like intermittent fasting, they say is long for longevity.

Amy: It just said eating between meals and like I'm sure it's related to like insulin and all this other stuff. Not balancing on one leg, so like like working on your balance.

Whitney: Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Amy: If you're if you're not working on your balance, you could be shortening your life.

Whitney: Yes, because if you fall, that's when something bad happens.

Amy: That's right, that's right. And this one's cool, cutting out caffeine can shorten your life, so you want to drink caffeine.

Whitney: Oh, interesting.

Amy: It can reduce the risk of Alzheimer's, and I may actually It was a really that part was really interesting from the from the brain health standpoint, so I may put that out on social media.

Whitney: You might. Yeah.

Yeah, I always have one cup of coffee in the morning.

Amy: Oh, not me. I will have more than that.

Whitney: Really?

Amy: And then I went over to a friend's yesterday and she was like It was 3:00 p.m. and she's like, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" And I was like, "Yes, I do." But it was decaf, but it was like placebo, and there was a There's a miniscule amount, and I felt great, and I was like, maybe I need to do this a little bit more.

Whitney: Yeah.

Okay.

Do you do K-Cups or do you do like French press or like something?

Amy: I do drip.

Whitney: You do drip?

Amy: I do drip. I do old school, like drip.

Whitney: And so you have a pot of coffee, and then you take I can already feel the pleasure

Amy: I love it.

Oh my god.

Whitney: that you get from having your coffee.

Amy: I'll go to bed looking forward to it. I love it.

Whitney: And what is the coffee? Like is it a special coffee?

Amy: I'm using right now Dutch Bros., the original. I I really like it.

Whitney: Okay, and then do you put anything in your coffee?

Amy: I'm embarrassed to admit that I do use some

Whitney: Vanilla creamer?

Amy: some creamer that's flavored. Yeah, and that's probably the unhealthiest thing that I do.

Whitney: But you get pleasure from that

Amy: It is

Whitney: that ritual.

Amy: It might be the best part of my day. It makes me so happy.

Whitney: Aw, that makes me sad. I don't have coffee. I need a I

Amy: I fucking love... Oh, I thought you were sad because it was the best part of my day.

Whitney: No, I'm sad that I don't have something that brings me that much joy.

Amy: I fucking It brings me so much joy.

Whitney: Interesting.

Amy: I love it.

Whitney: I love the ritual of it.

Amy: Sometimes I want to get up earlier just to enjoy my coffee time.

Whitney: To have more coffee.

Amy: And I've still got some sitting right here, too, but... Yeah, it's over for the day.

Whitney: Not necessarily.

Amy: No, it is.

Whitney: There are no rules.

Amy: I stop at 11:00. I I I don't I don't consume caffeine past 11:00.

Whitney: You do decaf.

So, do you drink an entire pot of coffee?

Amy: No, I don't. I make a whole pot and then I might drink half.

Whitney: Yeah.

I I can't even finish my one cup of coffee.

Amy: Wow.

Whitney: Isn't that weird?

Amy: It's a real joy in life, so...

Whitney: I'm going to do better.

Amy: Do better, Whitney.

Whitney: I'm going to floss, and I'm going to make a pot of coffee.

Amy: Oh god, you're going to be just like me.

Whitney: I am, I'm morphing into you.

Amy: Well, what's on deck today?

Whitney: Well, first of all, I wanted to I read something that I was wondering that if you'd heard about it as far as like health. Have you heard of house burping?

Amy: Okay.

Yes, I have. It is opening your windows and stuff and letting the pressure out of your house.

Yes.

Amy: I don't like the term, frankly.

Whitney: I think it's a hilarious term. There's a German term or Dutch term or something, but I just caught on to...

Amy: Yeah.

Stoßlüften.

Whitney: I think it I don't think it's that, you know, specifically related or whatever, but anyway, it means house burping. But yeah, I thought it was very interesting because everything like our furniture is emitting chemicals, we're burning candles, we've got technology stuff, you know,

Amy: Mhm.

Mhm.

Isn't it just like airing it out?

Whitney: Yeah, it's airing it out every day.

Amy: Every day?

Whitney: You should do it about 10 to 15 minutes every day, and you do a cross, like you have to have a window on one side and a door, like you do that crosswind thing, or whatever.

Amy: Wow.

Mhm. Interesting.

Whitney: But we live in Texas and it's freaking hot.

Amy: Yeah, and then bugs fly in.

Whitney: And then I don't have screens on windows.

Amy: I do on my kitchen window.

Whitney: Yeah, I don't. But if I open a door and open a window, then it's just mosquito city, bug city.

Amy: Yeah, yeah. And it's hot, I don't know.

Whitney: But there's a lot of my I probably have a lot of stale air.

Amy: But what what does this do for you?

Whitney: It cleans out your air. It's almost like an air filter.

Amy: But we have a Dyson.

Whitney: Well, that also works. But the fresh air, but then I wonder how fresh is the air outside, like I question that.

Amy: I have two Dysons.

True. True.

Whitney: Anyway, I thought it was interesting and I do love the idea if we lived in a different climate of having the windows and doors open and it's fresh air and a breeze.

Amy: It is.

Oh, gosh. Yes.

Mhm.

Whitney: But that's not what's happening.

Amy: I do love that, yeah.

Whitney: in Austin, Texas.

Amy: No, it's not.

Whitney: All right, well, I'm glad you've heard about it. You're way up on on the trends.

Amy: I guess I am. I'm really not.

Whitney: We are finishing up my five-part series, the MAX Life Protocol, real science behind a real life. Today's the last day.

Amy: Way to go.

Okay.

Whitney: So we spent the last few weeks mapping out the ultimate life upgrade using Arthur Brooks as our professor. He's a Harvard scientist and he's studied happiness and the meaning of life, so he's very well-versed and I've been telling you all the things that you would learn if you read his books.

Amy: Mhm.

I love it, good.

Whitney: So let's look at what we've covered so far. In part one, we talked about the first and second curve, pivoting from the grind and, you know, the soldier mentality to wisdom and leadership of the second curve, the general, right?

Amy: Mhm.

Whitney: And in part two, we audited and diversified our happiness portfolio. We named the four pillars. Do you remember what they were?

Amy: Our portfolio.

Community,

Whitney: Mhm.

Amy: I forgot.

Whitney: That's all right. Faith,

Amy: Oh yeah.

Whitney: family,

Amy: Oh yeah.

Whitney: friends and community, and work. Right? Those are the four pillars in our happiness portfolio, and then we discovered the macronutrients for that portfolio that you feed into those pillars. It's enjoyment, satisfaction, purpose. You have to have those those three things, all right?

Amy: Okay.

Mhm.

Yeah.

Whitney: In part three,

Amy: That was a good one, I liked that.

Whitney: we purged our transactional deal friends, and we made room for the deep, lifesaving, real friends. And in part four, we practiced epistemic humility, and we learned how to turn down the volume on our loud ego.

Amy: Pivot Protocol.

Whitney: That's right.

Amy: I just edited that.

Whitney: Oh, well. Recently edited, so I...

Amy: I was like, oh my gosh, you remembered!

Whitney: Now we need to know how do we actually live this out on a random Tuesday. So I'm going to talk to you a little bit about how to put it into your daily life. Arthur Brooks has this great mantra for the second half of life.

Amy: Ooh, I love a mantra.

Whitney: Use things, love people, and worship the divine.

Amy: Use things, love people, worship the divine.

Whitney: Use things, love people, and worship the divine. So you don't worship things, you don't use people, you know, you don't use the divine, I guess, I don't know, anyway. So I really liked that. Use things, love people, and worship the divine. So to actually pull that off, we really have to prioritize the intrinsic motivations instead of the extrinsic rewards.

Amy: Mhm.

Mhm.

Okay.

Whitney: So like we need to value learning and service and put our time and energy into that instead of money, power, success,

Amy: Mhm. Mhm.

Whitney: because I think you and I both have that experience. We realized that those things don't When you don't have any money, you you tend to be like, "Oh, well, when I have money, I'm going to be happy."

Amy: Mhm.

Well, it's that difference between what you're really valuing, like, "Oh, I want money so I can have a nice house," but really, your value isn't a nice house, it is the security and safety that you feel from a stable environment that feels good to you. So, like you know what, it's getting past that that outward marker of value and getting down to what really matter the real value, right?

Whitney: Correct.

Right. And what I have realized through my own studying and stuff is that if you're trying to control external things, like how much money I'm going to make and how successful, and what people think of me, you're never going to reach any form of happiness. You have to be The only thing that we have any control over is the inside.

Truth.

Whitney: And so my thoughts, my actions, my belief system, those are the things that I have control over, and that if I put time and energy into those things, it's all going to work out. I could be making, you know, minimum wage, but because I value the work that I'm doing, I still feel satisfied or, you know, I think a lot of people in my world as a widow, one of the things that we will tell ourselves is "I just need to find another partner, and then everything's going to be okay. I'm going to be happy." But you can't put that on a partner. Like you have to find I just read something recently and it was something like Oh, I'm going to fuck it up.

Amy: No.

Whitney: The the the The the bee doesn't make the flower bloom. The flower blooms and the bee comes.

Amy: Oh, yeah.

Whitney: Something like that. I thought that was a good analogy. You bloom. Let's all bloom, and then the things that are meant for you

Amy: It's a good analogy.

Whitney: will come, but you're already blooming. Like stop trying to wait for something to bloom you.

Amy: That's the paradox. It's true. It's true. They think we need a and then...

Whitney: Yeah, it's not easy. They yeah. They think that happiness is like a milestone. I'll be happy when I get this promotion, when I get this amount of money in the bank, but that's the trap because those things are constantly changing, and I've heard just from listening to other people and their interviews, they thought, "Oh, when I made this amount of money or when I got this promotion, I thought I will have made it," and all I was was emptier. Because they never did any of the other work.

Amy: I know. And it's so hard to listen to that, too, because you're like, "Well, um, give me $10 million and then and then I'll see." Let's see. But...

Whitney: It makes things easier, this is the one thing my mom would say, she's like, "It Money doesn't necessarily," because we're talking about money, "money doesn't necessarily make you happy, but it definitely makes things easier."

Amy: For sure.

Oh, it alleviates stress. I mean, like we just had like a spate of broken cars, and, you know, I wasn't stressed because we had enough savings to help figure And I had a warranty for one of them, thank God.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Amy: But I mean, like it alleviated that stress, cuz otherwise, you're just like super fucking stressed.

Whitney: But that is not the same as having a an underlying feeling of happiness or peace. That still is just circumstantial.

Amy: Right it is, you're right. Okay.

Whitney: What we're trying to get is a steady foundation of just peace and satisfaction, and then when something It's like the analogy of there's your life is a roller coaster, and most of us are literally riding on the roller coaster. The goal is to be standing on the ground, grounded, watching the ups and downs, but we're level.

Amy: Okay. Is that kind of the theme of today?

Whitney: Does that make sense? That was just Well, no, the theme of today is to take everything that That was a Whitney Stropp,

Amy: Oh, I love it.

Whitney: a little lesson, but for today, it's about taking the things that Arthur Brooks has been sharing with us over the last, you know, several weeks and applying it into your everyday life. So I was just kind of talking about mentally where you need to be. Happiness is not an outcome, it's your portfolio, and the happiest people have three things in perfect balance, enjoyment, satisfaction, and meaning. And just to back up, I'll remind you, enjoyment is pleasure plus two critical human upgrades, communal connection

Amy: Okay. Cool.

I like that.

Whitney: and mindfulness, aware of it. So you said something at the beginning about on your list about talking to strangers or whatever. When It's interesting that you said that. When I was in France this last time, I made an effort to really connect with people on the trip, not just not just in my little group, but out in the world, and I started documenting on my documenting it on my stories. This is

Amy: Oh, yeah, you did. I saw it.

Whitney: Yeah, I I was introducing people my my people to the people I was meeting on the trip, and it really made it so much more fun for me to like talk to our waiter and find out his story, and he's lived in this small town his entire life, but he he's meeting all these great people, and he has great plans, and, you know, or our sweet little Uber driver who I didn't even document, he was a newlywed, and he dropped us off at this this restaurant that was at the top of a mountain in Lake Annecy, and there was a thunderstorm coming, and my friend, just as we were getting out, she goes, "Is it It took us like 30 minutes to get up there. She was like, "Is it going to be hard to get an Uber out of here?" And he goes, "Oh, yeah, taxis won't come up here at night, and then it's going to be thundering." And we were like, "Will you come back and and get us? Like, what are we going to do?" And he said, "Here's my number. I don't know if I can come back. My wife has got this and that, and I've been working all day, but maybe." Anyway, we tried to get an Uber, it No one would They just kept canceling. And little Walid, we we WhatsApp'd him, and we were like, "Please, please," and he said, "My wife is telling me I cannot leave you there. I'll be there. I'll be there in 45 minutes." And he drove way up the hill, pouring down rain, and picked us up, and, you know, I got to hear his whole story. But it really made the trip so much more fun because you're really meeting the people in the the towns that you're in. So anyway, that was kind of it It made it more enjoyable for me. Satisfaction is the joy you feel after achieving a goal or overcoming struggle, so it's not just

Amy: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Ah.

Whitney: getting through the easy things, you know, you're getting satisfaction from completing something that's difficult. Like,

Whitney: Mhm.

Whitney: getting up and going to workout. That's always hard for me.

Amy: Me too.

Whitney: And I'm very satisfied and proud of myself

Amy: Me too. Like, you did it.

Whitney: when I get back. And then purpose, finding meaning in the things that you're doing. All right, so...

Amy: Yeah, those are all intrinsic.

Whitney: Yeah, those are the three things that are in perfect balance in abundance for happy people, and they make an effort to pursue it every single day. And I'm like, "Oh, God."

Amy: Those are rich. Wow.

Yes.

Whitney: I start getting overwhelmed cuz I'm like that's stressful, one more thing or three more things or a million more things to add to my day.

Amy: No, it's just about training yourself to find the wins.

Whitney: Yes. Exactly. Exactly. You have to treat your well-being exactly like a retirement account, and you can't just think about it, you have to make daily deposits in all of the pillars in those with those three macronutrients. So he calls it the happiness pension plan, and he says, you know, you have to you have to put deposits in every day. So, for example, faith and transcendence, and we remember faith doesn't necessarily mean religion or God, it can be nature, or art, or something that brings you awe and makes you realize that there's something bigger than yourself here. It's not all around you.

Amy: Awe, awe.

Okay.

Whitney: So it's intentionally standing in awe of something to shrink your daily drama. So like remember I talked about that meme where it's like you see the world out in space and then there's a little arrow pointing to you crying in the shower?

Amy: I love that because it just kind of reminds me, "Oh yeah, what I'm crying about in the grand scheme of things is not that big of a deal."

Mhm.

Whitney: You know, anyway. So the daily action for that is to take 15 minutes of uninterrupted silence, meditation, a walk in nature, a shower like I did the other day, without your phone.

Amy: It's so simple, without your phone.

Whitney: Yeah. Don't pick up your phone. I can't remember the statistic, but we only have a certain amount of dopamine, I think, or serotonin, or something.

Amy: Mhm.

Those are closely related, so...

Whitney: We only have a certain amount, and if you pick up your phone and start scrolling, you're depleting the amount that you have for the day. So, you need to keep that down, go do something meditative, sit in awe in some way, and that gets you started for the day. 15 minutes.

Amy: I sometimes I periodically move where my social media apps are on my phone,

Whitney: Ah.

Amy: and that has helped me sometimes, cuz you just automatically will touch it, and and it's like a habit that is really challenging to break. So when I move it, then I don't go there as quickly. So I'm actually at a point where I'm noticing I'm doing it too easily, so I'm going to need to move it again.

Whitney: Right, you don't see it. That's smart.

It's hard when your your business is social media, like part of your...

Amy: Actually, it's been good for me, it's made me more intentional about it.

Whitney: Oh, good.

Amy: Rather than mindless.

Whitney: Okay, cool.

Amy: Actually, spend less time.

Whitney: Well, I like the idea of not having your phone in your room, but because I don't have a landline anymore, and I have kids that live away,

Amy: That's not practical to me, I have to have it.

Whitney: yeah, I can't do it.

Amy: Like, I use it for my white noise, and and like if Justin's traveling, or my kids are doing whatever, like, no.

Whitney: You just have to remember that 15 minutes is not that long. It's okay if you don't grab your phone for 15 minutes. It's about resetting.

Amy: I need my phone.

What do you What else do you do on your phone in the morning?

Whitney: I check my email, I check my bank account balance,

Amy: I check.

Oh.

Whitney: I go to What else do I do? I check my email, I check my bank account, those are the first two things, and then typically I'll have texts or something that I didn't get to last night that I'll look at.

Amy: Yeah.

Mhm.

Yeah.

I'll check text messages and emails, and I'm actually But like, I don't need to, you know? And I'm I'm getting really good about not opening social media in the morning.

Whitney: Sometimes

Sometimes I'll wake up with a a thought in my head that I had had in the middle of the night, and I want to know the answer, and so I'll get on

Amy: And you'll look it up.

Whitney: Google and I will ask the question. Yeah. And then...

Amy: I think that's probably its own addiction. Justin, like we went out to on a date the other night to dinner and like he wanted to know something, and he wanted to know it right then. And he was like, "We're asking AI now," and I was like, "Well, fuck." And so...

Whitney: Yes!

Yes, I do it. It is a problem. It is a problem, and I think I think I even heard something from Arthur Brooks saying no one no one values boredom anymore, and no one values wonder.

Oh.

Whitney: You don't sit in wonder, you just immediately find the answer.

Amy: We are addicted to knowing the answer. And me and right then.

Whitney: Right then.

Amy: Right then.

Whitney: Yeah, I mean I've been guilty of doing it in the middle of the night.

Amy: Well, because I'll forget, then I'll wake up and then I won't remember.

Whitney: Mhm, yeah, things that are just stupid. I can't remember one right now, but I do it for the most ridiculous things.

Amy: Me, too.

Whitney: All right, so that's deposit one, sit for 15 minutes, uninterrupted silence or meditation, do something that brings awe and wonder into your your day.

Amy: I like that. Okay.

Whitney: Deposit two is your family. These are the relationships you didn't choose, but they are the unconditional bedrock of your life. So the daily action would be, and this is easy for me cuz my sisters and my mom and I are all very close, but you send a text, you make a phone call, you create a point of connection with a family member.

Amy: Are you really listening when they talk all the time, your family member? Cuz Gigi was talking to me yesterday, and I realized I wasn't really listening. I was just like, "Mhm, mhm."

Whitney: Oh.

Yeah.

Amy: Yeah.

Whitney: Were you on your phone at the same time?

Amy: I wasn't. I wasn't. I was just sort of staring at her, thinking about something different, because she was going on and on about a bruise

Whitney: Right, I...

Amy: that she had.

She loves it to tell me all the things wrong with her body.

Whitney: All the things that are hurting her. No, I do think that it has to be you have to be focused. You know, that's one thing that they always say they, I've heard about Tom Cruise, and there are other people in the world that I think have this talent, when they're talking to you, I've never met Tom Cruise, but I've heard this from other people, when he's talking to you, it's like you're the only person

Amy: Mhm.

They?

Whitney: in the room.

Amy: That's charisma.

Whitney: And it makes you feel so valued and important that you can't help, but It's like what cult leaders I think have, too.

Amy: Yeah.

Oh, I think my husband has that.

Whitney: Oh, yeah.

Amy: Yeah. He has that.

Whitney: He's got that focus.

Amy: He has that, and then people think that they're best friends with him, yeah.

Whitney: Oh, right, we've talked about that.

Amy: And so, but yeah, they say like Bill Clinton had that, like a lot of a lot of

Whitney: Mhm.

leaders and, yeah.

Amy: leaders will have that, so...

Whitney: Yeah, I think that's that's a great point, because no, I don't I don't listen to everything.

Look, we do what we can.

Amy: We do. Just like try to pay attention.

Whitney: But I do, just yesterday...

Amy: I noticed I wasn't paying attention, and then I tried to tune in, so...

Whitney: Yeah, just yesterday I was laying in bed trying to do these practices and I had this thought of like, and actually, I'll tell you in a minute because it it's it's coming up next, actually. So, all right, your family, just a daily action to connect with a family member. It doesn't have to be the aunt that you dislike, you know, it could be your child, or you know, just somebody

Amy: Yeah. Yeah.

Whitney: to to create that connection. Deposit three is your friendship, and this is what we've been talking about, you know, you keep up with your virtue friends. So again, a non-transactional deposit, don't reach out to them because you need something from them, reach out solely to give something to them.

Amy: Mhm.

Or just say, "Hi," you don't even have to give anything, you could just say, "I was thinking about you."

Whitney: Yeah, reference an inside joke. You could just pick up the phone for a 2-minute catchup.

Amy: Yeah. I mean...

Whitney: Yeah. Business and shop talk are strictly banned, which I think is hard for like you and I, like when we get together, we're going to talk shop, you know.

Amy: Oh yeah, for sure.

Whitney: You know, I found that with my widow friends, too. Once we started our podcast, it was all

Amy: Really?

Whitney: about the podcast, yeah. Or I would be like, "Oh, that would be something good to talk about on the podcast."

Amy: So let me make a note of that.

Whitney: Yeah, and then deposit four is meaningful work. Remember, happy work relies on two things, earning your success through effort and serving others, so it's not your you know, your job that pays the bills necessarily, unless you're lucky enough to have that work serving other people and giving you success through effort, you know. So at meaningful work, this is what I did yesterday without I guess it's just seeping in. I woke up yesterday, and I didn't have anything on my plate for the day, like it was completely free.

Amy: Oh God, I love when that happens.

Whitney: And so I was sitting in bed and I just said, I talked to God, and I was just like, "Okay, God, how can you use me today? What can I do for somebody else? Like, I'm open."

Amy: That's so nice.

Whitney: Yeah, I'm super nice. I don't do that all the time, I just did it yesterday, but it was interesting because literally 10 minutes later, my mom calls me and she has had a horrible stomach virus for like 5 days, and was just getting over it, and she had a doctor's appointment to go to, and she wanted She was like, "What are you doing? Do you think you could go with me?" Cuz she just didn't feel herself enough to be able to pay attention really to maybe what the doctor was saying, and it ended up being my whole day, really, because I went got, you know, we went there, dealt with the doctor, then I took her to lunch after, but it was really nice, and I thought, "Oh, isn't that interesting, I made that request and then life brought me brought it in for me." And it's just a great way to go through life. Think about if everyone woke up and said, "How can I serve someone today?

Amy: Yeah.

Whitney: What what good can I put out into the world today?" And that in itself gives me some sort of a purpose for the day, you know. Anyway, I really liked that. So, now let's look at the core math. I don't do math, so hopefully this makes sense, but Arthur Brooks has a formula

Amy: Okay.

Me either.

Whitney: that flips traditional success completely on its head. It's called the math of wanting less.

Amy: Yeah.

Ooh.

Whitney: So must Most high achievers think satisfaction is adding things, addition, right?

Amy: Yeah.

Whitney: They think satisfaction equals what you have plus what you want, but that, as we know, is not true. More money, more trophies, more followers, more status, does not equal more satisfaction or happiness. Actually, most of the time it it's means the opposite, I feel like.

Amy: It's crazy.

Whitney: Cuz you're it's all external, you don't really have control over it.

Amy: Well, you're seeking validation in people and...

Whitney: Yeah, external validation, yeah.

Amy: It's an inside job.

Whitney: Yes, exactly. So Brooks' math pro problem is a fraction. Satisfaction equals what you have divided by what you want. Now, I was having a hard time with that cuz division. But when I thought of it as satisfaction equals what you have over what you want, cuz you know a division, there's a numerator...

Amy: Yeah, so if you're like one to one, that's that's that equals like a whole.

Whitney: Yeah, over it, I was like, okay. Yeah, I can I can make sense of that.

Amy: And so... Not a hole, h-o-l-e, but a whole, w-h-o-l-e.

Whitney: Yes. So to say to stay anything but mid, you want to stop focusing entirely on that increasing that top number, what I have. You need to start actively shrinking I'm sorry, wait. Let me let me say that again. You have to stop focusing entirely on increasing the top number, the numerator. You need to start actively shrinking the bottom number. Right, so instead of putting all of your focus on what I have and how do I get more, focus on what I don't need. What can I do without?

Amy: Well, you want to feel like you have more than you want, right? So I think the equation is like if you want more than you have, you're going to be unhappy. That number of satisfaction is .05 or whatever.

Whitney: Yeah.

Yes, it's it's the it's gratitude, right?

Amy: Right.

Whitney: Sitting in gratitude for what you have.

Amy: Right, if you have more than you want, then you are looking at, let's see, if it's a two over one, one goes into two twice, so you're doubly happy, right? Like you're doubly satisfied because you you have way more than you want, and so like that is the trick, right?

Whitney: Yes.

Right.

Amy: Wanting...

Whitney: Yeah, you're trying to decrease what you want.

Amy: Yes, decreasing what you want, wanting less than you have. So like, just that's why gratitude is such a a hack for that. Then you're just focusing on what you're grateful for, you're like, "Damn, I'm I have so much, I'm so lucky," and then your satisfaction rating goes through the roof.

Whitney: Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, exactly. And then you realize you don't need a lot I feel stressed...

Amy: with too much stuff?

Whitney: Yes.

Amy: Yeah. I know.

Whitney: And then I get caught in this thing of, "No, I need more stuff," and then it just stresses me out, it's like a cycle, so yeah, just sitting in that top number of what I have, I have enough.

Amy: Yes.

I have too many sunglasses, for instance, and today I was looking at all of these sunglasses, cuz I like to put them on when I film, or whatever,

Whitney: Yeah, I was going to say, it's part of your...

Amy: and I was like, I have too many, and when I go to decide what to wear, it's too overwhelming, and then I'm unhappy, and I was like, I thought of my child, Sydney, Sydney has like one pair of sunglasses and they're just a good basic and she always looks cool, and I'm like, that's I want to be like that, and so I need to just select a really good choice, and then just be happy with that.

Whitney: Oh, it's too much.

Yeah.

Amy: But you also are You love style.

Yeah.

Whitney: I don't think you have to go that minimalistic. I think you could probably pick three pairs. How many pairs do you have?

Amy: Too many to count, so...

Whitney: Yeah, I think it's just a matter of, you know, maybe bringing down your options a little bit, but that's part of your you like to change your style up, and it's fun.

Amy: It is. It is.

I know, but sometimes it's it's overwhelming. It's overwhelming, so I have to sort of choose a path and stick with it for about a month.

Whitney: It's stressful. Yeah.

Yeah.

Amy: That's how I do it.

Whitney: Yeah, well they say a habit is formed in...

Amy: Well, I mean, I just choose a style, like my nails right now are really crazy, and so I'm doing some color blocking, and so that's kind of what I'm going with right now, and that gives me some direction, but we have

Whitney: Oh, yeah.

What do you mean color blocking?

Amy: we have ventured into

I don't know what we're talking about right now. Can we please get back to the subject?

Whitney: Okay, sorry.

Amy: Now, I'm lost. Okay.

Whitney: All right, we're going to go back.

Amy: Basically, the equation, I like the equation.

Whitney: All of this to say, you know what the you know what's in the portfolio, invest in your portfolio. I've given you what you need to feed the four pillars in that portfolio,

Amy: Mhm.

Mhm.

Uh-huh.

Whitney: and now we have a plan for your daily including those things, and once you get that Kind of what we were just saying a second ago, once you get into that routine, maybe in if you do it every day for 30 days, then it just becomes habit and you don't it it becomes seamless, you're not even thinking about it anymore, and you will be so much happier in your life because all of your...

Amy: Yep, it's that easy. It's that easy. Like that's pretty fucking easy.

Whitney: Yeah. Exactly.

Amy: That's pretty fucking easy, like really, we're not asking you to go like study biohacking and implement all this shit, really.

Whitney: No, we're not asking you to take 20 different horse pills a day.

Amy: It's No, it's putting your phone down, it's like it's focusing on gratitude, wanting less stuff, like it's so crazy, right?

Whitney: It's having a mentality of what what good can I put into the world today, instead of what can the world do for me today?

Amy: Yeah.

Whitney: Yeah, it's a mindset. So I'm excited. I've

Amy: It's a mindset. I mean it's like so interesting.

Whitney: And it's free.

Amy: And it's free.

Whitney: Yeah. So you're welcome, everyone. We're geniuses.

Amy: It's so good! It's so good.

Whitney: So thanks to Arthur Brooks, my new bestie. I'm sure he's going to see this and want to get in touch,

Amy: I'm sure he will.

Whitney: send me a a text.

Amy: Although that's looking for external...

Whitney: I'm joking. I'm happy with no contact. Anyway, there you go, I hope you can take some of this and start as soon as possible, start right now.

Amy: I am. I've already been. This has been a great series, and I feel like I've retained a ton of it,

Whitney: Yeah.

Yes.

Amy: and thank you for the review today. I feel like that was helpful, but it really it really makes me think a lot. I mean I'm making changes on my own show, and a lot of it is based in this, because

Whitney: Yes.

Mhm.

Amy: I think that I've been in that mindset of constantly searching for the next biohack, the next thing that's going to move the needle on our own health, and you know what? It's not outside of us, it is

Whitney: Yeah.

Amy: an inside job, like I said. It is about doing these little things and getting consistent with them, even considering it an experiment, and like that's going to make a difference.

Whitney: Yes.

I think it's very timely, too, because in in your midlife, at least I'll speak for myself, my kids are grown and on their own, you know, they're in college, they still need me, but I'm not I'm not doing daily things for them. I'm not caring for them like I did when they were younger, and my my husband has passed away, and so things have shifted for me and I feel a little lost, and I start to compare myself with other people out in the world, or like, "What am I doing with my life?

Amy: Mhm.

Whitney: You know, I'm I'm I have no value," kind of, sometime Well, I mean I'm just saying, this is something that I think a lot of people when they reach when the kids all go away,

Amy: Right, sometimes.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Whitney: you all of a sudden your main purpose or drive has flown away, and you have to regroup, and it can it can be very it can be very depressing and you're like, "How how am I going to What Where am I going to get my purpose, my meaning?" And if you can just

Amy: Mhm.

Whitney: sit in this little protocol, your brain's not going to have time to go anywhere like that, because you're going to sit, you're going to be in awe of the world, you're going to connect with other people, you're going to go out into the world and say, "Where can I serve today? What good can I bring?" And that's all you have to do. That's all you have to do every day. I don't need to be like some, you know, incredible scientist or doctor or you know I mean, I don't have to have like some crazy career to be valuable

No.

Whitney: in the world. I can just go out and be kind, and that's enough.

Amy: It is enough. It is enough, and it's about that mindset. One of my dad's favorite quotes was, "To know that one life has breathed easier because of you is to have succeeded."

Whitney: Yeah.

Mhm.

Amy: I'm paraphrasing, I don't know who said it, but

Whitney: Yeah, I've heard that.

Amy: but it's so true, right? And so like it like change your mindset around what success even is, like it's it's like helping someone.

Whitney: Yeah.

Yeah.

Get off your phone.

Amy: Right, right.

Whitney: Except when you're listening to us.

Amy: I mean, I do try to help with my phone. I'm like I'm trying to be conscious about my social media, I don't focus on the negative, and I'm constantly trying to put out things that help people, so I'm like, you know, trying to use that for good, too.

Whitney: Yeah.

Yeah.

Amy: And and here we are doing this.

Whitney: So, thank you for being here. Email us at anythingbutmidpodcast@gmail.com if you have a mid moment or something that you want to share.

Amy: Yeah, just reach out.

Please, we love you, follow us, and of course, all as always, do what you want.