Happiness: The Happiness Portfolio, Pt 2 of 5

Anything But Mid is hosted by Amy Edwards and Whitney Stropp. Lightly cleaned for readability.

Amy: I'm Amy.

Whitney: I'm Whitney.

Amy: And this is midlife, which are anything but mid.

Whitney: Hello.

Amy: Bonjour.

Whitney: Bonjour. I do need to start, we both need to start working on our French.

Amy: Yes, we do. We're headed to We're both going. Old Français. Old Français.

Whitney: Old Français. Are you excited to go?

Amy: I am very excited, yes.

Whitney: And you'll be with a French speaker, so you actually don't even need to Taking my own translator. You're just going to watch your daughter kill it.

Amy: I'm so excited. She's so excited, so yes.

Whitney: That's going to be fun.

Amy: Yes, my daughter is fluent in French, so she's turning 17 and we're going to Paris.

Whitney: As one does.

Amy: Yeah. I'm so excited. She's so excited.

Whitney: Yeah. And you've been before.

Amy: I have.

Whitney: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So you, you are going to take her. Are you going to do shopping there? Do you know all the shopping places?

Amy: I don't know all the shopping places, but I have a friend that lives here who is French and she's so young. She's like in her thirties, and so so young, you know, in her thirties, so she has like a note of all the places to go everywhere and so she sent me that note that she sends people, so I feel like I've got a little inside.

Whitney: That's so great. Okay, good. Well, you've got such great style already. I'll be curious to see what you pick up in France.

Amy: Well, we're I'm excited because it's a leisurely trip. It's not She's going to look at colleges and that's really what we're there for, and she's just going to have an experience, and so I feel like we're staying in one place. I feel like I'm just going to be able to

Whitney: You're going to get a good feel, yeah.

Amy: Yeah, and it's not going to be

Whitney: It's not going to be tourist central for you.

Amy: Well, I'm hoping to have a little bit different experience myself, to be able to experience a city more rather than just go from thing to thing. And that, and be in a hotel, and so I rented a really pretty place that I'm Since it's just me and her, I could like get a place that I really liked, and it has like a rooftop patio because I like slow mornings. I want to sit, be able to sit outside and have coffee.

Whitney: Yeah. You want to feel like you're living the Parisian life. Like, you're going to go walk down to the grocery and get your coffee.

Amy: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And I'll have to show you place this pictures of this Airbnb. It's just really pretty, and the light, it's really pretty.

Whitney: What arrondissement is it in?

Amy: The 10th. So apparently it's just had great reviews on the the location and the family that owns it lives really close by, and they had good reviews, and so I'm just excited.

Whitney: It's going to be such a great, like, moment with your daughter.

Amy: I think so. We're creating a memory. Yes. I'm very excited.

Whitney: Well, that's great because this is going to lead into my part two today of my limited series, The Max Life Protocol: Real Science Behind a Real Life. Because we talk a lot on here, as I've said before, about the things that you can eat, and and the different healthy protocols that you can do. And it's all about kind of your biology, but we also need to take care of our mental and emotional health, and that can get forgotten if we're not aware of it. So this series is going to try to keep you aware of it, show you some things that you can do. It's all rooted in the work of Arthur Brooks, who is a Harvard professor and an expert on the meaning, purpose, and happiness of life, which I think we all want. And and he's going to he's going to give us some steps that we can take to really create a deeper life for ourselves. And what good is longevity if we're miserable?

Amy: No shit.

Whitney: I don't want to live to a hundred and be lonely and depressed. I want to live to a hundred with friends and fun and a max life. Right? Anything but mid.

Amy: You have to live to 115 because he wants to be a hundred. So I'm like, oh my god, I'm going to be so tired. Tired just thinking about it.

Whitney: Can you even imagine what, I mean, think of the strides that have happened just in the last 10 years. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like 50 years from now. I hope I'm around, if I'm happy. So let's just let's get into that. First of all, I just want to do a recap from part one. It was all about the two curves. We've got the first curve, which focuses on the grind, and the the speed, and the youth, and individual execution instead of working with a team. It's designed for the young and the inexperienced. That's not us. We're not young or inexperienced, and that's a good thing. So we need to learn to jump over to the second curve. And the second curve is all about shifting into our wisdom and management, coaching, guiding others, creating real meaning and community. And that is a second curve that I want to be on. Plus, it's exhausting on that first curve. I want to be, like we talked about, there's soldiers and there's generals. I'm going to be a general. We're promoting ourselves. So now we're on to part two, and today it's all about the happiness portfolio.

Amy: Oh, yeah. You mentioned this last time.

Whitney: Yeah, so I'm going to give you what that what you need in your happiness portfolio. And when we talk about a portfolio, you usually think about finances. You know, and what do you want to do with your finances?

Amy: Diversify.

Whitney: Yes! Good job, Amy. You get a gold star. Yes, you diversify your money, you need to diversify your life, all right? Life can be very unbalanced. And just like we're talking about on Anything But Mid, if you're only focused on the health side, the biological side, your diet and things like that, and you ignore your emotional side, it's not going to be an anything but mid life. It's going to be a miserable life. So you have to diversify. Putting all of your energy and focus on one thing isn't what we're going for. A max life is about a balanced portfolio. All right? How do you feel about that so far?

Amy: I completely agree.

Whitney: Do you feel like your portfolio is balanced?

Amy: I hope so, but I really don't know.

Whitney: All right. Well, I'm about to dive into it and you can tell me if you think. In order to have a balanced happiness portfolio, there are four pillars that you have to work on, all right? It's faith, family, friends and community, and work. Those are the pillars.

Amy: They couldn't get an F for that one, too? Okay.

Whitney: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, what would that be?

Amy: Faith, family, what was

Whitney: Faith, family, friends, community, work.

Amy: Friends and work. Okay.

Whitney: Yes. All right. So faith, we're just going to dive into each pillar separately. Pillar number one: faith. That's not religion. I remember growing up, and and my mom would get really mad when because we grew up in the South, you know, Mississippi, Texas, you know, very much religious based, and people that would say they're not religious, but they're spiritual, my mom did not understand that.

Amy: Really?

Whitney: She didn't she didn't grow up with that. And I think she was like, "What do you mean?" Like, they're the same. I don't think she recognized that they're separate in a They can be combined, but not always. Religion is man-made. Yep. Spiritual is God-made, is the way I look at it.

Amy: Me, too. Yes.

Whitney: So you want to I'm not a big fan of religion personally, so Well, see? Because humans are fucking it up. It's ruined it. It's about power. And and that's not that's not what your spirit is actually wanting.

Amy: Right. Love.

Whitney: Yeah, exactly. And that and those are the false So let me back up for a second. A lot of people, instead of looking at these pillars—the faith, family, friends, community, work—they are going to false idols, which is money, power, pleasure, fame. They're putting all their energy into trying to attain those things. That's not going to make you happy.

Amy: No, it's not.

Whitney: As we know. I mean, you you work towards something and you're like, "Oh oh, okay. As soon as I get this job, then I'm going to finally be happy." And you get the job and you're like, "Mm, no, I need that job." Or like, I remember being This does make me happy, but I was also trying trying to escape something. It's like, "Oh, as soon as I have kids, then I'll be completely happy."

Amy: Really? Really?

Whitney: Yeah. Cuz I I was getting burned out at my job and I was ready to like be a stay-at-home mom, thinking that just like all my problems would disappear and I would be so happy. And you are, but that's not, you know, It's not fulfilling. that's not as fulfilling as I thought.

Amy: At least not for me.

Whitney: No, you have to have a balance between the four pillars. And, you know, I worry about my kids right now, especially my boys, because I think they've kind of get from society like, "Money, power. Money, power." And they're in college right now, and that's what they're talking about, like, "I don't care what kind of job I get. I just need to make money." That's that's worrisome.

Amy: It is. That's But that's being instilled in every direction, and even just even just everywhere on your phone, literally everyone is trying to sell you something. Like I'm just constantly like even somebody I follow, you know, they're I'm like, "Oh, now they're sell I got it. They're selling. What are they selling? What are they selling?" I'm like, "Fuck, I don't I don't want to be that person that's that's selling something." You know what I mean? Like, ugh.

Whitney: Yeah. And I think it's okay if if these pillars that we go through are balanced, then you selling something isn't going to come across as greedy, or it it's going to it's going to

Amy: Yeah. I guess just like it just feels like it's just non-stop. Like everybody's monetizing, everybody's selling. And it's just like, that feels like what it's all about, you know, so much of the time. And I'm just like, "Fuck, I don't really?" Like, yeah. But, you know, and then like, who who do we who did we fucking elect, you know? Like we somebody money money-based, you know, and it's just like

Whitney: It's not grounded in any Well, the government as a whole. I mean, you I always have puzzled over like, when someone's going for political office, they have to have so much money. And I'm like, "What? Why? Like, you have to have so much money to win an election." I'm like, "Huh?" Because they have to get the because it's all about trying to control public opinion and they are putting all of that money into horrible negative commercials, or getting into your Yeah, it it's it's unnecessary. It's feeding it's feeding that negative mentality and divisiveness. Is that a word, divisiveness? Yes, it is.

Amy: Yes, it is. That's the correct word.

Whitney: It is, thank you. Yes. Yeah, it's very sad. So, you know, I'm I'm watching my kids and and I think part of the first curve, actually, is thinking that success and happiness is directly related to how much money you make.

Amy: Do your daughter and sons think think about it the same way or do you see a difference?

Whitney: No.

Amy: Yeah, that's because I I don't have

Whitney: Yeah, you don't have boys. No, I think that even though things are changing as far as what the there's no real traditional family or typical family anymore, I don't think. I mean, you see several different versions, which is good, but I think they're still kind of like the man is the provider. I can remember my son he was like in fourth grade, and we were at the Grand Canyon. We were having a family dinner and Hunter asked him like, you know, we were just kind of going around the table and he asked him, "Well, what do you want to be when you grow up?" And Hayden goes, "Well, I really like marine biology, but you can't raise a family on that."

Amy: He's so little.

Whitney: And I was like, "Oh, honey, if you're the best marine biologist, like, you know," and then my other son at one point was like, "Oh, I really like archeology, but that you don't make any money on that." And I'm like, "But if it's where you're supposed to be and it's your passion, and you work hard at it and you're the best archaeologist that you can be, number one, you're not going to need a lot of money because you're fulfilled, and number two, the money will come because you're the best in your field." You know, but I think it's hard to

Amy: Well, they're having it drilled into their heads that men have their worth from what they earn and it's just like you know, I saw a reel the other day and this woman drives into a parking lot. She's like, "There's the doctor's parking lot." And they're like driving Toyotas. Look at those cars. And then she goes over to like what she's driving, and it's like a Ferrari or Lamborghini or something. She's like, "Uh, but you know, I dropped out of school and this is what I'm driving." And you're And the guy like it's this guy, and he just like pulls these reels that are just ridiculous hustle culture shit like this. And he pulls it, I'll try to find it and put in the show notes, he's a friend of Justin's, and and he just is like, "Shut up." And he's like, "Is this really what we're doing now?" And then he posted a picture of doctors that were really like working their ass off, you know, in the ER and they're exhausted from a heart surgery. And he's like, "Really? Like that's what we want. You want that car versus people that are really working their ass off like like that, and I'm sure not getting paid enough," you know? And like, it was just like a slap in the face where you're like, "What are we doing?" Yeah.

Amy: Right. Saving lives.

Whitney: Well, it it's so true. It's sad. I was just having this conversation with my mom the other day, a firetruck went by and and no one was really getting over for the truck. And we were on MoPac or something, so you know,

Amy: Too in a hurry to get to their $100.

Whitney: They're yeah, they're just like, "There's plenty of room. They don't need to get over or whatever." But but it just we I was like, "It's so sad because when I see a fire truck, I'm getting over, and then I'm like praying over them, like, 'What are they about to walk into?'" And the same thing with, you know, regardless of what you think police officers are, like their role is to protect. They go into situations that everyone else is running away from. Teachers, also, they're they are molding the minds of young children trying to teach them how to be good people, and they've they've got so much more responsibility on them now than we did 20 years ago. And they aren't paid properly. These vital No. hospitals, you know, now I know doctors

Amy: First responders, teachers, like people we rely on.

Whitney: Yeah, they People that are important for the safety and and I mean I think about it like, what are they walking into? Just putting the news on and hearing all the horrible stories and I'm like somebody was the first one on that scene. They had to see those visual things that they will have to they'll they'll close her eyes and see them forever. Like, we need to take care of those people. And we don't because people are putting their time and energy into the wrong things, not these four pillars.

Amy: Yeah. And I mean like all the messages, if you've watched that manosphere documentary from Louis Theroux, did you watch that?

Whitney: No, I forgot.

Amy: It's on Netflix. I mean, but that's what's being

Whitney: It's called Manosphere?

Amy: Inside the Manosphere, something like that. But it's just fucked up because like that's what's being drilled into a lot of people's heads is that it's all about how much money you make. It's all about that's your worth.

Whitney: And by the way, and this is something that I mean, this is kind of off topic, but you know, money isn't evil. You can do great things. You can be an amazing person. No, no, no, no, but but I think that's a message that is on the other side, like you know, you feel guilty. Like I was talking about I'm writing a book, and part of me just wants to give it away for free because I feel guilty that I would be taking, but I am giving a service and giving information and and it's valuable, and you you can pay the $20, like, you know, so it's okay to have a nice car. Just don't just know what it's it's for. It's not meant to bring you happiness. That's That's a shallow thing. It can make you feel happy for a moment, but it's not sustainable. That's why people get 10 cars and you know, anyway. All right, so pillar number one is faith. It's not religion. It's a connection and an awe with something bigger than yourself. And that can be anything. I mean, I think for you, you know, well, you tell me. What would you say is something that you feel is bigger than yourself?

Amy: Yeah, of course I'm not saying it is. Oh, yeah. God, Source. Energy. I mean, you know, whatever you want to call it.

Whitney: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Amy: Yeah. It's in everything.

Whitney: Yeah, same for me. Other people. And and I feel like everything after this is actually what we're talking about: God, energy, the universe, philosophy, art, walking in nature, anything that, you know, meditation, your church, anything that you go into and you're just like, "Wow, there's such a bigger picture here than what I'm dealing with right now on a day, you know, it's there's so much more and I don't have to sit in this little spot that I'm in right now. I need to know that there's beauty and energy that's supporting me." Anyway, so that's number one. You're going to have to diversify and put some energy into faith, whatever that is for you. Number two, and this So far, so good. for me. And number two, yeah, cuz you do Are you still meditating?

Amy: Not as much as I was, but I feel like I trained myself pretty well to where I can

Whitney: Do it constantly kind of, yeah.

Amy: Yeah. Yeah. The I I mean, like, I need to sit down probably and do more intentional meditation, but I'm able to just sit and be at peace, you know, and that's kind of what it's about, training your mind to slow down.

Whitney: Yeah. It was so cute. My so my son's home for the summer, and yesterday he noticed He's not going to hear me say this. He didn't, anyway, so he'll be fine. He he just got back from study abroad and he had these pictures and I guess he was noticing that other people were posting on Instagram about their experiences and they had really great photos. And he told me later, he was like, "I was getting so mad because I didn't take enough pictures, you know, like and the pictures that I took, I'm not in any of them, and I just I can't make a reel because I don't have the pictures, and I'm just so mad that I didn't do better." But then he recognized that he was being silly. Like, in some ways he was more present taking it in and not worrying about his social media. And but the he he was like, "I realized I was getting so angry and I needed to be grateful for the experience, so I went on a walk." He was like, "I tried to meditate, but I couldn't, I just couldn't," he it was so funny. He's like, "I try to meditate, but it's really hard. It's especially hard to keep your back straight."

Amy: No one listens.

Whitney: And I was like, "Well, you don't really have to keep your back straight, honey." But I didn't say that, I was just listening, but he was like, "So I went on a walk." I said, "That's awesome." I said, "That's also meditating."

Amy: You could just sit in a chair if you want.

Whitney: Anyway, he's like, "No, it's not. You got to." And I was like, "All right. Well, you know and I know nothing." Anyway, pillar number two is family. And that's something that I think, like taking this trip with Gigi, you're investing time in your relationship with her, you know? Not only they're guiding her and showing her what her opportunities could be, but just spending quality time sitting in your flat, drinking coffee in France, you know?

Amy: Yeah. I know. I know.

Whitney: I think it's really great. A lot of people can struggle because you don't choose your family, and a lot of people might not like their families, but Arthur Brooks says it's a it's a it's a mysterious connection and you need to respect it and honor it in some way. You you want to If they can be, they they should be your anchor, and when the world ignores you, these are the people who are still there for you.

Amy: Does that does your spouse count in that?

Whitney: Yeah, that's family.

Amy: That's family.

Whitney: Yeah, your spouse, your parents, your This is what I loved about Mother's Day, and and actually we do this a lot with Hunter's parents. Since he's dead, we I try to give them their dad through his parents, you know? And we go over there probably at least once a month and and have a lunch and we're all sitting at a table and we're all having a conversation, we're not on our phones. I love it because it's the most information I get out of the kids. Cuz, you know, they're talking to their grandparents. And it happened on Mother's Day, like we went over to Hunter's parents, my mom came with me, all my kids, and it's just a magical moment of investing in that relationship, you know? And we make it a conscious effort to not bring up things that are going to cause controversy, you know? There are some different political views at the table or or, you know, whatever people tend to argue about, and you just kind of table that. Like that's what he means by having a respect for the relationship. You don't need to to pick a fight or make them see your views, you know? You just need to sit with them and connect on a family level.

Amy: Shared. Right, you don't have to.

Whitney: So I also I went to church on Mother's Day, and I kind of felt a little guilty because he was talking about the table, the dinner table, and about how, you've probably heard this, like there're scientific studies that show families that eat dinner together, the kids are more well they're well well grounded, they do better in school, they they just tend to have a better perspective on how to live their lives because of that connection. And nowadays, I can't remember the statistic, he was like, back 20 years ago, if you asked how many people sat at the dinner table together, you know, it was like 75% or something, and nowadays it's like 40%. And I feel like that's even high, because so many people are having, you know, the kids are so scheduled. It's like, "Well, he's got baseball, and she's got choir, and I've got a meeting," and so we never sit at the table. And I think it really got worse, which is ironic, during the pandemic. We were all sitting on the couch eating and watching shows, or I let my kid go eat in his room, which, what in the world?

Amy: Yeah. I still do that.

Amy: That's all Gigi does. I mean, like I don't know.

Whitney: Well, it makes sense, especially in today's world, like I used to be able to get it when I would be in the car with the kids before cell phones, and they were forced to talk to me. Then they got cell phones and we were all in the car together, but they weren't talking to me, and then they've got their own cars. Yeah. So it's just a way to It's an easy way to connect at the dinner table. Everybody sits down, and maybe not every night, but I was even thinking, "Okay, I have some kids home for the summer. Maybe I do a Sunday" I don't like to cook, but maybe I

Amy: It's okay. Order something. Who cares?

Whitney: Yeah, maybe I make Sunday like a family meal, and everybody has to come, you know? And then you just connect. It's just Taking You need to take care of your own, and the way that one way that you do that is by connecting.

Amy: Yes. You should. Be the be the matriarch.

Whitney: Yes. I am the matriarch.

Amy: You already are. You already are. Yes.

Whitney: But yeah. Anyway, so that's one way you could you could diversify with and give time to your family. Pillar number three: friends and community.

Amy: Cool.

Whitney: Cool. I loved this. It's It's your real friends, not your deal friends. It's not your people at work that are transactional friends where you're like, "I'm going to give you something and you're going to give me something," and we all have those friends. These are your real friends that you can be useless with.

Amy: Okay, I love that.

Whitney: They don't want anything from you, you don't need anything from them, you don't even have to do anything. You know, you're just sitting together. Non-transactional. So you want to give face-to-face time with those real friends. And I I don't know if I've said this before, I I was telling you I was having deja vu while I was doing this research, cuz I was like, "Did I already talk about this?" But they say that you really only have enough friends for one hand. Like, you can count your real friends on one hand. Anybody who says, "Oh, I have 20 best friends," no, you don't. Cuz you can't give the time and energy to 20. So it needs to be more than your spouse, though. It needs to be, you know, at least two people. One can be your spouse, but somebody that you can be useless with. I love that.

Amy: Okay. I do, too.

Whitney: And you're really good at that. You you just Did y'all Well, you just invited a bunch of friends, not a bunch, but a group of girls to go to the movies.

Amy: Yep, I did.

Whitney: And you had a um and a a little brunch here at your house in your closet.

Amy: Oh, I did. Yes, I did. I had my little tea party, yeah. I try.

Whitney: So, yeah, you're you're making an effort to connect, yeah. And as you get older, you start to realize, "You know what? I don't really want to connect with you anymore. You're a downer, or you're an energy stealer."

Amy: I am.

Whitney: So this is a good time for you to sit down and be like, "Who are my real friends? Who builds me up? Who makes me a better person?"

Amy: I mean, I have to literally sometimes like look at my text messages and I'm like, "Who do I invite? Who are my friends?" I forget. I do. I forget.

Whitney: Well, I'm really bad about someone will pop into my head and I really believe that's like a little God whisper of like, "Hey, you need to reach out." And then I'm like, "Eh, I'll call them later."

Amy: You do. You should send a text right then. Just while you're thinking of it.

Whitney: But I do have Do you have any high school friends that you still keep in touch with?

Amy: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, yeah.

Whitney: I think it's valuable to have people

Amy: Middle school, as a matter of fact.

Whitney: Yeah, that have known you before life pushed you down on your face. You know, to remind you, "Oh no, you you've you've always had that great quality," or, you know, somebody that can remind you of who you are.

Amy: Yeah. It's nice.

Whitney: Does that make sense? Which is what I loved about being married to Hunter, cuz we met at 19.

Amy: Yeah, gosh.

Whitney: So, you know, in our 40s, he knew me at 19.

Amy: Yeah. I love that.

Whitney: Well, he's dead now, so anyway. So now I try to keep up with some of my high school friends, but I do think it's valuable to have friends that have known you for a very long time, if you can, obviously. Don't go call up somebody that was a bitch to you in high school.

Amy: I do, too.

Whitney: No. All right, so that's pillar number three. Pillar number four is the work. Meaningful contribution, cuz I was like, "Well, I'm not working. Like, I'm not I work, like we do the podcasts and stuff, but I'm not going to a job where I get a salary and benefits." So I was like, "What is work? What does that mean?" And it's earned success, not just a paycheck. It has to be meaningful. It has to involve service to others, and it has to, what was the other one, being needed and helpful, service to others, and earned success. So it means you work at something and you get better at it, you try to excel in it, whatever that is, but it has to include service to others. So that's the mentoring part. If you're in a job with a salary, maybe you're managing a team, you're teaching a junior partner, or you're helping the community through your work, but there has to be some sort of meaningful contribution, which we do with our podcasts, and that is our work.

Amy: Well, I do it We have a nonprofit, so

Whitney: Right, exactly. Yeah, same.

Amy: Definitely doing that.

Whitney: So, yeah.

Amy: You do? You have a nonprofit?

Whitney: Yeah, All the Widow Things.

Amy: Oh, okay. It's a 501(c)(3)?

Whitney: Yeah.

Amy: No shit.

Whitney: Yeah, yeah. And then the podcast is just under that umbrella.

Amy: Oh. Fantastic.

Whitney: I thought it was interesting, and th- this hit home with me, and I think this is something that I need to work on and why I might be in a funk in my happiness portfolio, is that he talks about how you need to structure your days with the same discipline as you would if you had an own employment to go to, work-related place, give your, you know, your career. And I don't do that. Every day is kind of different, unstructured. Yeah, you can have every day can be different, but it's just not structured. It it provides a clear sense of identity and purpose. I was talking, I went to LA recently for a concert, and I was with one of my great friends, who I've talked about several times, Dr. Angelique Campen, and she recently in she's in retirement. She's working part-time. She goes into UCLA like once a month. She works in San Diego at the hospital a couple of times a week, but it's nothing like it was before. She recently got married to a new husband. She'd been married before, but anyway. But I was asking her cuz she seems really happy. And a person can make you feel happy, but they don't create happiness in your soul, right? And that's something that he talks about a lot is like there's the the feeling of happiness, but that's not happiness. That's like he he equated it to like the turkey is like the proof of the Thanksgiving dinner, right? The feeling is like the proof of happiness, but it's not happiness. It's just a part of it.

Amy: Unstructured.

Whitney: Anyway, she seems really happy, and I was like, "Walk me through your day. You know, what are you doing? Because you're used to being so busy working at the hospital and and and take and friends, and all of that, and she moved to San Diego." And I'm like, "What are you doing?" And she has a very structured day. She's like, "Well, we wake up at 5:00, and we get our coffee, and we have our quiet time," which means they're on their phones doing their own thing, "then we get I have a protein bar, he makes a protein shake, then we go on a walk, then we come home and we'd work out together, and then we make breakfast." And she's like, "And by that time, it's like 11:00 AM that I'm having breakfast. And then we go and do our stuff, errands or whatever, and then we come back and we have dinner." You know, but there was structure that I don't have.

Amy: Nice.

Whitney: I don't really do that, either. You used to do it during the pandemic.

Amy: I was too rigid, I feel like. I think I my pendulum swung too rigid and then I've now been a little too loose. But I do in the morning try to put my phone down. I do like to sit and have my coffee, be quiet. I'm not journaling, but I want to. I'm working on that. I've started reading The Artist's Way, and

Whitney: I got it, too. I think you were Really? I think you brought it up, and I was like, "I used to have that. I'm going to get it again. We should do it together. Okay."

Amy: Let's do it. Let's do it.

Amy: Yeah, so this morning I was reading some of that and you know, mine varies a little. I do try to not get on social media too early, because that is a source a strange source of mixed happiness and unhappiness. It's very weird. And

Whitney: Yeah. Well, you're judging yourself, you're getting some positive,

Amy: Yeah. There's positive, there's negative, there's there's you know, feelings of I'm doing something and being creative and helping with good messages, but then there's also this feeling that I'm a failure, and I'm not good enough, and like it just vacillates, and so I have to do my best to let that be its own little pocket where I'm not consumed by it outside of it. And that's a strange thing, because that is something I'm working on right now, and so that, if I'm not careful, can affect every other part of my world. And so I am noticing that and being very cautious around it. So it's interesting.

Whitney: you know, but then you're Look, I know you're not a teenage girl, but I think that the the impact is the same. And they say kids that are on social media, they do have low self-esteem. They feel bad about themselves, whether it's that they're not doing enough, they don't look the right way, they're being left out of things, you know, whatever it is, there there is a true negative side to to all of that. It's a and comparison, you're comparing yourself even if you don't mean to. You're watching what other people are doing, and that's getting into your psyche.

Amy: Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I just see a lot of growth from other people and I I'm growing very slowly, but it's still growth, you know, and I'm holding it to

Whitney: Dude, I totally disagree. I don't think you're growing slowly, I think you're growing leaps and bounds. Why do you feel

Amy: It is slow.

Whitney: I I will say, and this is what you're probably looking when you look at other people, they're probably feeling the same way. They're like, "I'm not growing fast enough."

Amy: Yeah, probably. Yeah, so I'm just trying to relax.

Whitney: I feel like

Amy: I'm try I'm trying to make it something I enjoy doing, because I think that the energy that goes into it is palpable. And so that that's been an interesting thing to play with as far as looking at my own whole happiness, and I am refusing to let that be a source of unhappiness. If I'm going to do it, then I need to find a way to make sure that it is not making me unhappy. And so that's the the the part of it that's interesting and and that I'm determined about. And to have it be a creative outlet, and something happy, and so like today was interesting because I thought, "Oh, I haven't looked at any comments lately, because I had something recently that had bad comments." And so I thought, "Well, I did post something for Mother's Day, I should go look at that and reply to people, cuz I want to uplift people." And so there were nice comments, and I actually only saw nice comments today, and I mean a couple of crazy ones, but

Whitney: The balance.

Amy: But I replied to those and that felt good. And I was like, "Okay, that's good at the start of the day," you know, but I never know when a bad comment is going to take the wind out of my sails and I have to be very, very cautious. So it's interesting. It's just interesting.

Whitney: Yeah. They say as actors they will say like, "You can't believe the good, you can't believe the bad." Like, don't give any energy to any of the comments. But in our line of work on social media, you do want to acknowledge the people. So you just have to go in knowing they have no they do not they shouldn't change the value my value, good or bad.

Amy: Right, you can't. I do, I do. But there is that, I think that can be a valuable online community that's an uplifting space, and so you just have to find that line that you walk. So that's been interesting because I can tell at moments that it affects my happiness, and I have to put the phone down, like it it literally happened last night. I had to put the phone down,

Whitney: Yeah, absolutely. Yes.

Amy: notice it, put the phone down, and I went and snuggled up with Justin and had real life, real love, you know, like and and it was good. It was because like actually, it wasn't even my own thing. It was a podcast I was on, and the title that AI came up with from the transcript that they titled it was it it pointed out things that I'm honest about, but it was so jarring, and I didn't like the title, and I felt really slapped in the face, and I was like

Whitney: It was a misrepresentation?

Amy: It was just it could be better. And and so I pointed that out to them, and they were actually very kind, and I but I hadn't voiced it to Justin, and I just between social media and that, I just felt a sinking spell. So I think that a lot of times it's how fast we recover when we are in those lower places, and so for me, luckily, they did change it, actually, right away, and cuz I went on Claude, and I was like, "Give me better titles," you know, and it gave some better titles that were more angled towards self-love and learning from your past marriages, or whatever. And that was good. And so anyway, I had to do the things in the moment that serve my portfolio. And that was interesting.

Whitney: Yeah, and this is what's so great. And this is part of it. You the first the first thing to do is have awareness. Like, in anything in order to to change it, you have to be aware of it. And you have done so much work on yourself that you recognize very quickly, "Oh, this is not serving me. I'm going to go get what I need from my person or from some I'm going to I'm going to go to real life and get what I'm missing." And that is so smart.

Amy: Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. And I did like speak it out to him, you know. I I said it to him and then he unhelpfully was like, "You know, maybe you shouldn't also always lead all your social media posts with, 'I've been divorced twice,' too," and I was like, "Just not the time."

Whitney: Men mansplain. Oh. Yeah, you're like, "I just"

Amy: Just not the time. And I took I sort of like sat there for a second, and he goes, "Okay, the podcast," and I was like, "Yeah, right. Okay." You know, so it did help to voice it, to have someone with you, and like, you know, get it off my chest, kind of, and understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling, rather than just accepting the title that they suggested.

Whitney: Right. Yeah.

Amy: Yeah. Anyway, yes, yes.

Whitney: Well, and

Amy: And I did I did notice, I did do the proper not proper, the tools that I know that are helpful, helpful tools.

Whitney: Yes. Yes. You you switched the, I don't know, I'm

Amy: Yeah. Not narrative necessarily, but I did go into real-life mode where I was using

Whitney: But you did. But if the narrative was, "Oh, this is this isn't good. This is doing this is it's" You did have a negative narrative around it, and then you went and just put that away, and went, and went to, "I have a loving husband. I'm a good person. I I am loved. I am worthy." Like, you did switch it.

Amy: Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I did.

Whitney: You did. All right. One more thing on that, you mentioned, and I read something about this recently, you shouldn't get on your phone for the first hour when you wake up in the morning. That's what they say.

Amy: You did, you're right. You're right. I know, I know. I'm I'm somewhere in between on that.

Whitney: I don't get on social media, but I will get on my email, because otherwise, the whole day goes by and I forget. Like I don't check my email throughout the day. So anyway,

Amy: Good for you. I'm a little miss zero inbox over here, so

Whitney: Oh, my gosh. You would die.

Amy: I love it. I snooze everything, it's great.

Whitney: No, I probably need your techniques cuz it's out of control. Anyway, so that that's the fourth pillar, the meaningful contribution, service to others.

Amy: A zero inbox isn't one of those pillars.

Whitney: That that I think is more of the soldier mentality, but also, you know, like I got to get rid of this, I got to do everything, I got to answer every email, I got to But you're snoozing some stuff. Mine's subscriptions that I need to just get rid of, like, or or my information gets gets sold. So I got to go through and do that, but it's a lot. One thing that everyone needs to know, all the pillars are important. Don't have any guilt about giving time to your friends or your faith, and not work. Like, it is all about balance, so there can be no guilt.

Amy: I snooze. Oh, I unsubscribe like crazy. Okay.

Whitney: Doesn't that make you feel good? Like, your friendships are just as important as your work. You're trying to diversify the portfolio, and each pillar needs attention.

Amy: Yes. That's right.

Whitney: So please. I think I think I kind of was thinking about stay-at-home moms and just, I think women in general tend to have more guilt around giving time to things that they feel like others might not think are valuable. They're all valuable, so you have to make time for them. It's important.

Amy: Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

Whitney: It's necessary. All right. In order to create anything but mid lives in these four pillars of happiness, you need macronutrients, a balanced diet, and I'm going to tell you, just like with your with your health, you have to have fiber, and protein, and carbs, and fat. There are some nutrients that we all require to feed these pillars.

Amy: Mm.

Whitney: Enjoyment, satisfaction, and purpose. You need those in every pillar. All right, so enjoyment is more complex than pleasure, all right? And you said something earlier that now and I was going to bring this up, and now I can't remember exactly what it was, but hopefully you'll remember. So enjoyment is more complex than pleasure. The recipe for enjoyment is pleasure plus elevation plus metacognition, so awareness, all right? You have to have For example, it's not just a quick hit of pleasure. For people, or for like if you're going to do your family, all right, the way to get those nutrients, it's not just parenting. It's sitting down and having an inside joke that you share with your kid, all right? It's the ritual of a weekly coffee with a friend, so you're doing more than just having pleasure. You're creating memory and connection.

Amy: Enjoyment, satisfaction, and purpose. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Whitney: So the eating by yourself, a delicious meal that gives you pleasure, by yourself, is not enjoyment. Having a delicious meal with a friend and creating that memory, and having awareness, that is enjoyment. So those three things are important for enjoyment, which I thought was great. So you can't do it by yourself,

Amy: But you can do it by yourself.

Whitney: but nature, like even if you're walking in nature, that's not by yourself. You've got You're not sitting on a couch vegging out, not aware. Like there has to be awareness, connection. It doesn't have to be necessarily with another person.

Amy: Well, I think my dog counts, too.

Whitney: Oh, 100%. A butterfly, you know, yesterday I was sitting on my patio with my coffee and my dog, and I have fake flowers.

Amy: I know, I've seen them. They look great.

Whitney: Yes, you think they're real, and I've seen people come up like when they're coming to the door and they'll like lean down to smell them. But it kind of made me sad cuz yesterday a hummingbird came by and so I'm like in awe. I'm like, "Oh, I'm connecting with this hummingbird." And then he went to one fake flower, and he was like, "Ah." And then he went to another fake flower, and he's like, "Oh, no." And then he went to another one, and I'm like, "Dude, learn the lesson." But even that is a connection, you know? So I I misspoke. It doesn't have to necessarily be with another person,

Amy: Oh. Sight. Oh.

Whitney: but you need to have connection. It's pleasure, connection, memory, all right, or reflection, awareness. Anyway, all right. Satisfaction is joy after struggle. So we've talked about this before, like picking up the guitar. That is a struggle. Very few people pick up the guitar and are just like and it's so easy. I gave it up because my fingers could not stretch enough, and I got frustrated, and so I went to the ukulele. But you get real satisfaction when you do something, you struggle with it, and then you succeed.

Amy: Payoff.

Whitney: Yeah, there's payoff.

Amy: Delayed delayed gratification.

Whitney: Yes, it's that "I did it" feeling that you get. So struggle is just as important as ease, cuz you don't get satisfaction without it.

Amy: Cool. Delayed dopamine.

Whitney: Yeah, exactly.

Amy: Slow dopamine, I believe we call that. Slow dopamine.

Whitney: Slow dopamine. So in your faith, sticking to a difficult meditation, like my son making keeping his back straight and finishing the 10 minutes, or however long, there's satisfaction in that. Today I didn't want to go work out, but I forced myself to get up and go, and I was satisfied with myself. Yeah. Friends, showing up for a friend when they're in crisis. This happens to me in grief because there are moments when I don't want to sit in the grief because I've been there and it can make me uncomfortable, but when I show up for a friend, I leave there feeling satisfied. Same thing with work: mastering a difficult skill, finishing a project that required a lot of time, that is how you get satisfaction.

Amy: Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Okay.

Whitney: All right, I've got one more: purpose. This is the last macronutrient that you need in order to fulfill your four pillars. What is the meaning of life? There are three sub-questions you need to answer

Amy: Okay. Purpose. Oh, geez. Okay. There's more.

Whitney: in order to get that that one. Coherence: why do things happen the way they do? I know there's a lot of like little things.

Amy: Okay. A little sub Everything keeps branching off, I'm like, "Oh, no."

Whitney: I know. Well, I'm trying I know, I'm sorry. Well, you know you know what purpose is. You have to know why your life matters.

Amy: Okay, then. Your why. Your why.

Whitney: Your why. So let's just leave it at that. I won't go into the the sub-questions.

Amy: No, I want to hear them. Please.

Whitney: Okay. So within purpose, in order to get the answer to what's the meaning of my life, there are some sub-questions. Why do things happen the way they do? That's coherence. I understand it. Significance: why does it matter that I'm alive? And purpose: what's the direction and goals in my life? And if you can answer If you can get those little questions answered, that helps you with your purpose.

Amy: Well, sometimes we don't always know, you know? You don't know the answers, you don't know why things are happening the way they are, and you just have to trust. And I think that's where faith and your purpose might have a symbiotic relationship, because you want to just trust that you're being led in the right direction, and allowing that purpose to unfold when you don't necessarily see all of it just yet.

Whitney: Well, I do I I agree with you in the sense of I feel like one of my biggest stresses in my life as a whole has always been, "What's my purpose? What's my purpose? What's my purpose? What's my purpose?" And then stressing that, "I don't know what my purpose is, and I'm not doing my purpose." But when you finally get the answer, the answer is usually your purpose is just being. Your purpose in this life is to be, and and connect. It's not, "My purpose is to unburden every widow of their grief, and no one ever feels sad again," you know, or, "Make sure that everyone understands that there is a blessing in the, you know, in the darkness, and it's my purpose to make sure everybody understands that." That's very stressful. The purpose that I'm learning about myself now is just I'm just going to be myself in the world and connect as myself with other people. That my That's why I was born. That's why there are no two people alike.

Amy: No, no, no.

Whitney: We're all here with the purpose of being ourselves. Anyway.

Amy: Yeah, true. True. However, I do think that all the puzzle pieces of my life just didn't make sense until they did, and then and then I was like, "Oh, I see the through line, that my purpose is about using my voice,

Whitney: Oh, sure.

Amy: and in in many different forms of voice, but I was like, "Oh, now it makes sense," you know? And so that's one of my purposes anyway, but yeah, like I don't know.

Whitney: Would you say that people should keep questioning, like when you first said, "Oh, well, not every, you know, you're not going to know, you don't always have the answer, and you have to sit in faith," but should they keep looking, or

Amy: I say trust where you're led. That's That's more what I say. I say like things will appear to you, and even if they don't make sense right now, just trust that if you feel an impetus to pick up that ukulele, or whatever it is, it's going to serve you in a way that you can't predict yet. And so just relax. Don't worry about figuring out how it fits in your purpose, you know? Like, I don't know, maybe like there's something down the road that I don't even see about my guitar experience, you know, that's going to like be in Africa or something. Who knows, you know? And like, so just I I say just do relax in being yourself and trusting where you're led, yeah.

Whitney: Yeah. And knowing that you do have a purpose. Like just knowing that you do have a purpose. You might not know exactly what it is right now.

Amy: Yes. Absolutely. Sure do. Yeah. So just relax that you're you're in it.

Whitney: But when you're feeling lonely or dissatisfied and something's out of whack, which is kind of I'm feeling a little of that in my life right now, go look at your pillars, and and say, "What needs more attention? Where am I not putting in the the focus that I should to be diversified?" Because I think more times than not, it's because you're unbalanced and you're putting everything Either you're doing the false idols, you're not putting any time and energy into any of the real pillars, or you're putting everything into one.

Amy: Yeah. Yeah.

Whitney: And so you're not going to get any happiness out of that. And happiness is not a destination. I've heard that a lot over the years. Like, you don't get to it. You're you're always you're trying to learn about it and you work towards it, and it requires you have to change your habits, you have to always be aware of your like we were saying a minute ago. You you were aware of what was happening, and so you could go and get what you needed. You could stop what wasn't serving you, and go get what you needed.

Amy: That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Whitney: And so, you know.

Amy: And I spoke up, you know, I used my voice. I spoke up, and that was that's always a good exercise for me. So, yeah.

Whitney: Well, we'll put all of these in the show notes. I know there's a lot of, "And then four of these, and then three of these, and then three more of these." So we'll outline it all for you. But hopefully, you can take some of this and just use it today, you know?

Amy: I think I retained it. Let's see. So our four pillars are let me see if I can recap. It was family, friends,

Whitney: Okay. Mm-hmm.

Amy: friends and community, faith. Oops, faith was first, really, but And then work.

Whitney: Yep. Correct.

Amy: And then the nutrients that you need in those are enjoyment, satisfaction, and purpose. And then within purpose, you know, you have a little branch there to help understand.

Whitney: Yeah, just some questions to ask yourself, exactly, to kind of point you in the right direction. Good job!

Amy: Look how clear you were, I was able to to recite that.

Whitney: Yay. All right. Well, that was part two. I'll have another part, part three coming up in the next few weeks.

Amy: Yeah. What is that going to be?

Whitney: It is the most critical asset of the portfolio according to the Harvard Study of Adult Development. This is the single greatest predictor of health and happiness as we age. What do you think it is?

Amy: Community.

Whitney: Yeah, friends, faith, deep Oh no, I'm sorry. No, deep relationships. Yes. Community, friendship, it's those deep relationships. So we're going to We looked at the mindset, we looked at the portfolio, now we're going to zoom in on that pillar, and most high achievers have plenty of deal friends, but very few real friends. So we're going to close the gap. And I think it's harder as you get older to find friends. Like, especially like I know in the widow community, once something happens to you like that, you are searching for some people who understand it and have gone through it, and they're kind of struggling to find those friendships, so.

Amy: Yeah, I would think so. I mean, I can understand that from a divorce perspective, you know? And I think that is a big part of why I left those marriages, cuz I was like We can talk about it next time, but but I think I really was like, "I want that intimacy, that deep, deep relationship, and I want that with someone." And so, yeah.

Whitney: Yeah. And it takes work, and we're tired. I get that. I mean, I'm like I'm tired. Yeah. But it does take I am. And but again, you have to look at where you're putting your energy and who you're giving your energy to, and maybe make some changes there so that you have the ability to put it where it actually should be going, so yeah.

Amy: It does. It does take work. It takes people showing up. Yeah. Hell yeah, that's that energy wisely.

Whitney: Yes. All right. As usual, we

Amy: Yes. As usual.

Whitney: We are not doctors, we are not scientists, we're just two girls trying to figure it out.

Amy: That's right. That's right.

Whitney: And at the end of the day, thank you for being here, and see you later.

Amy: Bye.

Announcer: Please follow and subscribe to Anything But Mid anywhere you get your podcasts. Email us your mid-moment at anythingbutmidpodcast@gmail.com. And remember, we do what we want.